How to (Politely) Get Your Aunt Susan to Shut Up About Your College Search

Like any bon vivant, I love the holidays.

But decades of professional treadwear have taught me that this time of year can be tricky. Right now, everyone seems to be incessantly and obsessively talking about the “c word” - college. And frankly, by this point in the process, most seniors just need a rest; and I can surely empathize. Even the most passionate and caring counselors need one, too. I once holed up in a Saks dressing room on a snowy December evening, swathed in a steeply discounted Paul Smith angora sweater, patiently waiting for a very familiar voice to recede into the din of the cosmetics section - I simply couldn’t talk about college for another minute that day.

With the increasing proliferation and dominance of early admission programs in our ecosystem, this period has become the top of the arc for many students and the people who support them. The first concrete news. Tears. Triumph. Excitement. Bewilderment. Exhaustion. The implied horror of more deadlines and more essays. It’s all in there somewhere.

But it also collides with the frenetic publicness of the holidays. Parties. Concerts. Sledding. Relatives decamping to your guest room from someplace deep in Central New Jersey.

And then comes the nosy, competitive, slightly snobby aunt. Her name is Susan, and every family has her. Her reputational perspective on colleges dates back to the Carter Administration. She has several older children for whom she managed this process, so she now fancies herself an armchair college counselor and expert on the peculiar environs of the admission world.

Susan recently heard something about your first choice college in a Whole Foods parking lot that she feels she must share. Of course, it will necessitate a change in your strategy and a realignment of your priorities (according to her). She could have simply sent you an email, but instead, chooses your parents' Hanukkah party. Unfortunately for you, her color commentary could unleash needless waves of worry, confusion and anxiety that could derail your search and unmoor your confidence.

So after 20 years of seeing this pattern repeat itself, the best advice I have for you is to just tell her to shut up. Implicitly. Gently. Politely. And with love and class and grace. She’s just trying to help, and she’s got a good heart. But never-the-less: just shut up, Aunt Susan.

You can always start by subtly changing the subject - but to what? Currently, I’d suggest Dua Lipa’s glitzy new single Houdini or the rout in crude oil prices - but you do you. You can slyly shove a canape in your mouth. You can pawn her off on another, more loquacious party guest. You can tell her that she left the window of her Subaru open, referencing the impending wintry mix.

Or, as may be preferable, you can just smile, and with a gentle, non-threatening embrace of her lower arm, say: “Aunt Susan, I’m so happy to see you, and thank you so much for your thoughts and care, but I just don’t want to talk about my college search.”

The latter is very hard when you are young - and frankly, it can be hard for people at any age. But learning how to do it well at age 17 will pay dividends - both now and down the road. It may come in handy next week with your lab partner in AP Bio. Or it may come in handy in twenty years when random people ask you prying questions about money and marriage at Soul Cycle.

A college search, like everything else in life, is best guided by fit and doing what you believe to be best for yourself - with conviction and purpose and intention - and without need for public explanation.

In this process, as in life, you get to choose from whom you seek support and counsel and comfort. You create your own network of confidants. You create a community that cares for you. Critically, you get to manage your own PR - and you can be private and enigmatic if it serves you.

And it probably will serve you - especially over the next six weeks. It will be generally far less annoying, and you will be far healthier and happier in the end. You’ll have more fun and enjoy this season more deeply, no matter what happens. And I promise people will love and respect you for it. And don’t worry, Aunt Susan will be just fine.